Why Feel?
I’ve been told more than once that I am a “Do-er.” I must agree I am pretty busy as a working single mom raising two girls. I also teach yoga, spend time with friends, hike, read, etc. And like you, I don’t have a staff to pay the bills, clean, buy food, cook and so forth. But when people call me a “do-er” I think they are referring to something else. Maybe it’s my tendency to fix things that are broke, make lists, and speak in terms of goals. Or it could be that I’d rather kayak, kick box or even journal then meditate. It might have something to do with the fact that I can inhale all-the-day-long, but when it comes to exhaling all I can muster is this short, pathetic gust. Yeah, I know I’m a “do-er.” It could be nature or nurture… but either way, I have begun to learn something else.
I have started to realize that all of this Do-ing gets in the way of my ability to feel. Do you think that’s a coincidence? (Yeah, me neither.) It seems that pretty early on in life I decided that I didn’t want to feel. I concluded that noticing how I feel may not be pleasant and just might result in realizing things that I’d rather not know. Luckily, this Do-ing thing solves that problem!
Only it doesn’t… Why not? Because feelings become increasingly more intense until you actually let yourself feel them. Plus, they give you messages you need about your life and the choices you need to make. Living my life as a Do-er didn’t really allow for any of those messages to factor into how I lived my life. Of course, I did not realize much of this until things got pretty messy. At some point the mess got bad enough that I was ready to change something. So I tried a lot of things and eventually tried letting the feelings happen. At first it was awful as there were a lot of feelings to catch up on! Ultimately I became more aware and focused, sorted through a lot of things and eventually began building a life I had consciously chosen. That’s about when I found yoga. Only guess what – yoga was still something to “Do.” I practiced and practiced… it really helped for a while and then it didn’t. Why? My yoga practice didn’t include noticing how I feel. Good Lord – I was still at the same pattern! (I should mention, I have also been told I can be stubborn…)
So lately I have been back at the feeling thing. Noticing how I feel, allowing the feeling to help direct me in the choices I make. I know it sounds corny – like an Oprah show or a Neil Sedaka song. In fact, talking about it makes me want to go learn how to rock climb. But I’m determined to do it anyway. The messages I get from my feelings actually help me decide the rules I want to live by. I base more of my choices on what works for me in the long run instead what gets me through the moment. Plus, the feelings do not last forever. The good ones & the bad ones do their job and if I respond, they move on leaving me happier from the inside out. Of course, just telling you this gives me a tremendous urge to go goal tend a sudden death hockey game!
But instead, guess what I have been doing each morning before I wake up my girls? Did you guess meditating? I sit on my cushion and I breathe in, I let go and breathe out. My inhale is still longer than my exhale… but somehow it still turns me inward. When I started it was pretty icky in here, but lately it’s been better. Or maybe I am just getting stronger. Or perhaps when you allow the feelings to happen you become more self assured and just down-right happier. And you know what time it is when we are happier? Time to go learn how to rock climb!
-Christy Holland, MOYO Teacher
