A Lesson in Love….
Motherhood was always a distant thought for me. My attention had always been on giving to my business and marriage. Then, after ten years of marriage, this little being decided to make me his mama. I felt mixed emotions. Could I be a good mother? I’ve battled lack of self worth and feelings of inadequacy for as long as I can remember. Passing this on this to a little human was a terrifying prospect to me. But, with an open heart, I dove into the waters of motherhood.
My vision of pregnancy and motherhood was a beautiful journey of empowerment. However, pregnancy was more interesting and humbling than empowering for me. There were MANY days I was on my hands and knees vomiting and peeing myself at the same time (NICE!). Then, I am hysterically crying from hormone fluctuations and everything was always uncomfortable in some way. The silver lining was supposed to be the sweet baby kick everyone was telling me about. Yet, they never came. Frustrated and hormone filled I wondered, “was there something wrong?” What was motherhood all about? Yet, everything made sense in a moment when he was placed on my chest. That powerful feeling of love. I felt a strong desire to be a better version of myself wash over me . I wrote in my journal…
My teacher arrived. Declan Adler was born on September 6th, 2017 at 8am. He is beautiful. A little jewel that I have no idea how to care for. I still can’t believe he’s my baby. Really?! He’s a part of me? Every time, I look deep into his eyes, I feel a hand squeezing my heart gently. In instances, it’s like a mirror looking back at me with love and admiration. This little being. A guru of love. A masterpiece. We are all masterpieces. Pieces of artwork that keep changing. At times, we resist the change so we can hold onto a lesser version of ourselves. Or we deface our canvas, thinking it will enhance our beauty or appeal to others…..
We all know that cliche saying, “when the student is ready the teacher arrives…” and that is exactly what happened to me! Now as a mom, I am forced to think differently about myself. My attention and energy continue to stalk and heal this fear and false truths inside of me. It is a courageous journey towards self love for me.
My sincere hope that every mom allows herself an opportunity to stand up for her needs and change her own false truths. Loving myself is a legacy worth leaving my little one. My mantra to live by: I matter. xoxox
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